Unraveling

I don't even know where to begin. I know I feel like the world is pressing down on me, I feel so lost, so disconnected from myself. I miss who I used to be. Where did the vivacious, sassy, fun Bekah go? I don't know where she is. My heart is torn into pieces. Aaron and I are at a stalemate, we love each other but being together just doesn't feel right at this time. I have so much pain, so much sorrow, guilt, and shame. I am terrified of facing my issues. I have never fully healed from being held captive, raped and strangled to the point of blacking out. How do I face all of that without it swallowing me whole? Oh yes I forgot, I need to work thru what Darby did to me as well as losing half my family because of what he did. I have so much rage and hate. I HATE you Darby! You sick twisted fucking pervert. Karma will get your sick ass. I HATE you Louis. You fucking manipulative psycho! I lied when I said I forgave you. I don't. You do not deserve it. You deserve to be castrated, tied to a pole in the hot blazing sun and let the insects and animals tear you apart. Oh and Doug Manning.....FUCK YOU with a rusty wire brush. I HATE you! You are such a heartless prick. I have still not recovered from you laying the blame on me for what Louis did to me. I will never forgive you. Ever. I hope your soul burns in hell. I hope all of you go burn in hell. Fuck you too "grandmother", you turned your back on me when I really needed you. You chose to believe a sick pervert over me. You deserved to have your heart stomped by your son. What you did was beyond wrong. Oh and FUCK YOU cancer! Fuck you tumor cells! Fuck you chemo injections! See how am i supposed to get past all of this? I don't know how I am going to do it. I don't feel strong enough to face all of it. The emotional pain is so overwhelming, I don't know if I would survive unleashing it. There is so much I need to face, so much I need to do to truly heal from all of that bullshit drama. I don't know where to start, who to go to, or if I can trust anyone. I don't trust anyone anymore, I am not the trusting fool I used to be. Not by a long shot. So how in blazes do I face this pain so I can actually heal, when it is so hard for me to trust others?