Today I woke up praying to god. Praying that when we went to my grandmothers house (now a den of evil) which is filled with major uncomfortable feelings. I prayed that we would remain unaffected by it. So far so good right? We go over and are unaffected. We go out and about (we being me and my mom) in town. When we get back, there is a pile of things in front of our storage unit.My heart stops, then sinks. They know where we live. They know the apartment number. They know where we live, safety net is gone. SAFTEY NET IS GONE!!HOW DID THEY FIND OUT?! WHO TOLD THEM?! HOW DID THEY FIGURE IT OUT?! OH MY GOD!!HE KNOWS WHERE I LIVE NOW AND SHE DOES TOO!! I AM NOT SAFE ANYMORE!!!!! SOMEONE! ANYONE! OK OK OK OK CALM DOWN CALM DOWN deeep breath in deeeeep breath out.........they can't get in as long as the door is locked and don't answer the phone if they call. Its OK Jesus is my savior and God is my King and father, and I shall be protected! Nothing, nor anyone can touch me! Yeah! So why do I still feel so anxious? My heart is still going a little fast, my hands are still shaking a bit. Maybe its the adrenaline, I hope so, because I sure don't want that sick feeling you get when fear takes over, all paralyzing and junk. Now that I have seen my anxiety and fear in writing it feels silly almost.Like overreacting, but I am glad I got it out like I did, nothing like wiggin out in writing......hope I stay sane until next entry
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Don't Say "I Love You"
How do you not say "I love you" to someone? Especially when you know they don't love you back the same way? This is my dilemma, I still feel "love" for the man I am getting divorced from, I talk to him on the phone about our son and I nearly say "I love you" every time. I suppose I should think of HOW I love him right? Great father, fairly lousy husband. I am not sure what I love, maybe I love what should have been, the man he should have been. I think I love the great father he is now showing himself to be.I don't think I love the man who was so mentally and emotionally abusive that I threw a phone at him to make him just shut up and leave me alone. So with all that history, How do you identify the love you have in the first place? Is it even real? Should you deny it altogether? Should you ever utter it out loud? What do you do? Here's what you do, you DON'T say I Love You.....
9 Months of Chemo and Drama
Well here I am 9 months into my chemo and it has stopped the tumor from growing any larger, howerver it has not shrunk it yet. The doctors say it could take time to see results with this therapy. I could be put up for a clinical trial. We shall see. My hair never fell out, I have lost weight though and have struggled to gain it back and maintain it. I had to be put on pain medication due to the chemo causing wretched pain from my head to my toes. So now I am on daily doses of methadone and lyrica to keep it under control. Oh and I am on prozac for stupid depression (you'll know why later down the line). I truly hate being on all this medicine, I am tired of the routine of getting the shot every week, I now have what seems to be permanent dark brown dry patches of skin where the injections have gone in. In the begining the peginterferon made me sick and made my body hurt BAD. Now I can at least eat a little and the pain is not so unbearable. The only person who has stuck by me, the one person who has been with me every step of the way, the one person wh has been with me at every injection (nearly) has been my mother. It seemed to be too much for my husband. He could not handle it, he could not understand why it made me sick in the first place, according to his sources, I should have been up and about and able to run the household.
This of course lead to turmoil in our marriage, all we did was fight, and his treatment of me just got worse, and so did mine of him. It just turned into one big vicious circle. All of it exploded on February 4, when we got into a huge fight over me spending nearly the whole week with my family in another city. (he had told me to go stay with them during my chemo anyway-but had said this in anger) I tried to explain I was not leaving him, just trying to make things easier on everyone while going through my chemo since my mom always came to our house to take care of me. Anyway he freaked out and the fight spun out of control, and before long we were screaming at each other and he's pushing all my buttons, and BAM I throw a phone right at him and it hit him square in the chest. So he called the cops and then his parents ( they lived less than 5 mins away) His parents come over and proceed to take my child from my arms and my MIL corner me in my bed room and tell me I have made the worst mistake of my life and that they have lawyers so I needed to watch out. Then she really flipped out when I told her her son needed to cut the cord and get away from her. She really let me know I was worthless and good for nothing BITCH, she also diminished my chemo as if it were nothing. When the cops came, I was let off and we were told this kind of call was a waste of their time. I was also told I was lucky not to have been arrested because I caused injury. I left him the next day and took my son with me. That was it we were separated, I was devastated. Then 2 weeks later after custody exchange, he hit me with divorce papers. So I quickly had to get an attorney so I had representation. So the divorce is still dragging on, it now will go through in February of next year, fitting eh?
So my birthday was in September. On my birthday I had my son and I took him to my aunt's to go swimming, my cousin was there. We all went down to the pool and had a basically fun time, my son even laughed a few times. Then we go back to the apartment and thats when my birthday turned into a nightmare. My FIRST cousin started to get "fresh" with me....he stopped at first when I told him to, then he came at me again and did not stop this time at least not until his father came home. I ended up sexually assulted on my birthday by a family member. When I told my grandmother she told me to keep my mouth shut. I told my cousin if he came near me again I would call the cops. For days I was in torment, finally I told my brother who was visiting me, and he begged me to tell my mom, so finally I did. Then EVERYONE knew. It has basically torn the family apart, I had to move out of my grandmothers house because she refused to ban him from the house and I did not feel safe, she defended my aunt who basically made it my fault and attacked my mother (physically). Now we are living in our own place away from all of that. Now they act as if none of it ever happened. Of course who knows how they will react once they all know I turned him in to the police.
Now the only thing seeming to get me through all of this is my son, and god. yes I said it god. I am actually torn between 2 churches right now just trying to find my place. Taking classes at both, volunteering at both.....Wonder when I will pick one?
This of course lead to turmoil in our marriage, all we did was fight, and his treatment of me just got worse, and so did mine of him. It just turned into one big vicious circle. All of it exploded on February 4, when we got into a huge fight over me spending nearly the whole week with my family in another city. (he had told me to go stay with them during my chemo anyway-but had said this in anger) I tried to explain I was not leaving him, just trying to make things easier on everyone while going through my chemo since my mom always came to our house to take care of me. Anyway he freaked out and the fight spun out of control, and before long we were screaming at each other and he's pushing all my buttons, and BAM I throw a phone right at him and it hit him square in the chest. So he called the cops and then his parents ( they lived less than 5 mins away) His parents come over and proceed to take my child from my arms and my MIL corner me in my bed room and tell me I have made the worst mistake of my life and that they have lawyers so I needed to watch out. Then she really flipped out when I told her her son needed to cut the cord and get away from her. She really let me know I was worthless and good for nothing BITCH, she also diminished my chemo as if it were nothing. When the cops came, I was let off and we were told this kind of call was a waste of their time. I was also told I was lucky not to have been arrested because I caused injury. I left him the next day and took my son with me. That was it we were separated, I was devastated. Then 2 weeks later after custody exchange, he hit me with divorce papers. So I quickly had to get an attorney so I had representation. So the divorce is still dragging on, it now will go through in February of next year, fitting eh?
So my birthday was in September. On my birthday I had my son and I took him to my aunt's to go swimming, my cousin was there. We all went down to the pool and had a basically fun time, my son even laughed a few times. Then we go back to the apartment and thats when my birthday turned into a nightmare. My FIRST cousin started to get "fresh" with me....he stopped at first when I told him to, then he came at me again and did not stop this time at least not until his father came home. I ended up sexually assulted on my birthday by a family member. When I told my grandmother she told me to keep my mouth shut. I told my cousin if he came near me again I would call the cops. For days I was in torment, finally I told my brother who was visiting me, and he begged me to tell my mom, so finally I did. Then EVERYONE knew. It has basically torn the family apart, I had to move out of my grandmothers house because she refused to ban him from the house and I did not feel safe, she defended my aunt who basically made it my fault and attacked my mother (physically). Now we are living in our own place away from all of that. Now they act as if none of it ever happened. Of course who knows how they will react once they all know I turned him in to the police.
Now the only thing seeming to get me through all of this is my son, and god. yes I said it god. I am actually torn between 2 churches right now just trying to find my place. Taking classes at both, volunteering at both.....Wonder when I will pick one?
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