Life has been such an insane roller coaster this last year. After the divorce was final, and the drama with the family subsided. I made the colassal mistake of getting involved with someone new. I met him at church, and thought he was alright. Even though he had a bit of a shady past, I thought, hey its OK he's found God, he is saved. He loves the lord like I do. Huge mistake..big fat HUGE mistake. He wanted WAY more than I did, right off. He wanted a girlfriend, I just wanted to date. I mean, dang...I just got divorced...why would I want to get into something serious? Did I follow my instincts? NOOO....I let my self get seduced...and allowed my self to get involved with someone that was possesive and unstable. I allowed this to go on for about 4 months. Then I finally said ENOUGH. I told him..ITS OVER. He snapped. Big shocker, right? We were in my van in front of his place. He attacked me, and drug me out of my van, then forced me into his place. Once we were in there...He told me I had to do everything he said, or he would kill me. Then he kept me there for an hour and a half. He had sex with me, made me make an INSANE phone call to my mom, (that's when I screamed for the cops), then he yanked the phone away, hit me HARD across the head, then the next thing I knew, he was on top of me, strangling me and said " Now you F-ING die" ..I could hear my self choking, gasping for air...I tried to pull his hands away..and he just squeezed more...and all I could think of was never seeing Evan again, and started to cry..then he just stopped. Then I could breathe again....He told me to call my mom back, tell her cops were not needed...I was trying, but did not react fast enough.. so he said my son was dead. Made this "phone call" told "someone" go kill her son....I was so terrified...I was just shaking I told him, Leave Evan out of this please-its between us, do what you want with me. Then he says "this stopped being between us when you involved the cops, now all bets are off"...Then he tells me to put my shoes back on..and is ready to get in my van and drive off somewhere....but within minutes the cops show up. Then he tells me "you make sure I don't get arrested, or Evan is Dead, you hear me?" I just nodded and said Yes....So once I started talking to the officer, all I would say was I wanted to go home. I did not file anything until 2 days later when I came back from Houston, from seeing my doctors at MD Anderson. Even then all I filed was an incident report. A few weeks later I filed charges. The guy left the state, but kept calling me, harassing me, I kept the voice-mails, let the cops tape them, then had to change my numbers, twice. Now I am unlisted. I just hang on to hope he stays out of state. He is obsessed with me, told me hell would freeze over before he forgot about me, that's really sick. My prayer group "leader" told me I HAVE to pray for him. Umm where does she get off telling people what to do? Leaders do NOT tell people what to do, they guide...she must have missed that day in class. Especially spiritual leaders. A good leader will ask questions, and guide you the right way, not tell you what to do! OK got that out of my system! So back to what I was saying, I am still dealing with that trauma, nightmares and flashbacks seem to have subsided a bit, but there is still a lot there I am going to have to process and deal with. Its going to take me FOREVER to trust anyone again, feel safe, allow ANY type of control.
So my year of chemo/interferon did come to an end in December. In January I was on nothing and stayed that way, my doctor wanted to see how I would do, see if the tumor would do any shrinking, and the verdict is.........................NOPE. It actually got BIGGER. So now here we are 7 months later, and I am on this kinda crazy clinical trial. Its a drug for ostioporisis, but being tried out for my type of tumor...so I am getting double the dose, and at like crazy 3 week spans. This drug is meant to be taken at 60 mg once every 6 months. I am taking 120 mg like every 3 wks, So we will see just how I do, and how much it helps.
On top of all of this, I am battling major depression with terrible mood swings, I get so nasty sometimes, I don't like when I get that way, but then I don't realize I am being like that until AFTER I have been a major bitch. So I just have to find a way to be a better person.
My son is so wonderful though, the amazing shining light in my life...makes me smile always!!! I love him to pieces
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