First Round, First Week

Well I certainly did not mean for my entries to fall behind like this, eh I blame motherhood and having a needle jammed into my body. Before I dive in to my rant about my insanely long and exhausting day filled with twerps, goobersnatches, and red tape bureaucracy, and even worse-smiling bobbleheaded idiots that topped my day with cherries! Ooops, guess I kinda gave a preview there. Well the day BEFORE all of this I did manage to take my son to see Santa, which thankfully went off without any alarms or security needing to be called. Although if one of the women in Santa's workshop had, come near me one more time and bugged me. I would have been on her like the crazy half-coon ass I am. I had my own VERY awesome professional digital SLR camera with me because they have a statement on the poster at Santa's Workshop that says "we respectfully request that any photos you wish to take yourself you limit to 2 only" And when she came at me and was up in MY face and asking what the sam hell I wanted to order when I CLEARLY had a camera of my own made me want to throttle her day old bread smelly ass. However all that aside I did end up getting the tiniest package they offer, because lets face it; like EVERY other parent on the earth- I think my kid is the cutest one with Santa. Yeah OK get your head out of the clouds Bekah! Sheesh, you would think I gave birth to Adonis himself, although the ones who go on and on about how they will have God looking like kid, make me want to body slam them WWE style, then spin them around til they puke, then tie them up and put them on one of those amusement park rides that turn your insides out and make your asshole clang shut for a week! OOOOHHHH! (moving on)

Soo on to my loovely day at MD Anderson on Wednesday which coincidentally was one of the coldest day's we have had in a long time down here in Houston, TX and a night we actually got snow. OK so, I had to be at MDA at 8 freaking 15 am that day, so I had to leave my house by around 7 a.m. which I did. I got my gas and got on the freeway, and I NEVER got over 30 mph the entire drive over, and its about a 20-30 min drive going normal speeds. I did not get there until 8:30. I went to my first part which was having my arm poked, then I went on to my next section, where I gave the lovely ladies of that department a container of candy my dad got me which was far too sweet and icky for me. So dum dum dum dum, I finally get taken back to a room where I am alll ready for my shot and ready to get on with my day. This is where my day hits a brick wall at 85 mph and turns to absolute crap on a cracker. The nurse comes and talks to me, she is a really nice lady, and I like her, all about up and until right now when she tells me..." things with your insurance company are still going through, and we don't know when we will get approval" My heart just stopped, my mind screamed, my soul cried. What in the hell? No treatment? I have GREAT insurance! So I ask her, "So I am NOT starting my treatment today?" She says "I don't know, we are still appealing the insurance company, and with your rare type of cancer, and the typ of treatment we have decided to use they always want to say no." I just started to break down, I could not take this! I was already here! Give me my shot! I was all set mind and spirit! Just fix this damm problem! Then something was mentioned about another appointment I knew nothing about with the counseling center or something like that. She left the room after telling me she would get on the phone with the insurance company and see what they could do to get approval, even if it meant I had to go to MDA every week to get my shots. I called my sweet hubby Larry, and told him. He could tell I was barely keeping it together so he told me no matter what I was going to get my treatment even if we had to pay for it and fight the insurance company later. I felt somewhat relieved after I hung up and then just sat in my little room and got angry about how insurance companies rule the U.S. especially healthcare. It makes me sick that corporate america-or corporate whatever coutry has their greedy sick claws in the throats of EVERY american. NO matter what is wrong with you, NO matter how fucking sick you are. It all has to go through paperwork and channels and through some pencil pushing peckerwood behind a desk that has never set foot inside a healthcare facility for any type of medical training. Its all about the ones and zeroes for them. Screw the little people, screw if it will save a life, screw if it will break open a new medical discovery. Will it save the multibillion dollar company money or cost it? THAT is ALL that matters to these companies we hand our lives over to when we have medical insurance, but with out it you are just as fucked. So its either be fucked by the smelly truck driver and pay everything by cash on your own, or get tied down and prepared to be fucked by the most perverted sex deivant possible and smile and say thank you master when he is done. Other wise we are just ungrateful right? OOHHHH! Moving on...So then I spent the next 3 hrs in the "tell me what is wrong with you so I can help you" ward. I did get better pain meds and happy pills out of it. Then this is where the twist comes again, while I was in limbo with the "crazy" docs I got a call from miss nursey-nurse and found out that she did the yes master dance with the insurance company and got the approval for my treatment. I would have to go and get my shot meds from the pharmacy on one of the floors and go back to her for the injection. Then I got told no go down to this floor, so I go down to that floor, and they were so dur deee duuurr dddeeeee duuuuurrrr ummm duyrrr... then they found my info and told me I had to wait 25 mins and come back and knock on some hidden window, which after passing it 3 times and telling the peppy bobble headed staff "ohh ya'll are REAL helpful" I finally spotted the porthole to hell. I got fed up with the crap and went and fed myself. I go BACK and its ready, I knock on the window and, ready for this? They send me back over to the other side of the pharmacy!!!!!! OOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I wanted to rip every single row of tinsel, tie them all up at the center of the pharmacy, put a feather in my hair and dance around them like an indian doing the "come and get them witchdoctor" chant! I finally got my medicine, go upstairs and got my shot. I got to drive home, and made it home just like an hour before the weather turned really bad, icy rain, then snow. The first few days of my chemo have not been easy. Lots of up and down symptoms, nausea, fevers, some flutype symptoms too, but nothing I can't handle, mostly I feel rundown, and really exhausted. Today we went in search of an angel to put on the tree, we have ONE more store to hit up, I don't know if we are still going, I think I hear my hubby starting a movie. I think its the new Batman. Ok I think I have ranted and raved long enough, some might even say "OMG like I don't have the time or patience or attention span for something like that.." Well I say to that...OMG what it must be like to have the brain of a dying flash light battery.

Tomorrow is the Big Day

Well yesterday I felt like a crazy person for half the day, I half lost it and ended up in a puddle. I gotta say Xanax is the bomb baby. So today I got Dark Knight, which is just an awesome movie, I love the Joker. I can't wait to watch it again! My list of things to do today is quite big, and exhausing. The most exciting though is taking my son Evan to see Santa! I am hoping like crazy that he stays calm and happy and does not scream like a banshee when I pass him off. I so want a good picture. Then I have to go to Beauty Brands and get my good hair stuff, and use my coupons. I have to return my brother-in-law's gift, because he is gigantor and I did not get gigantor size. GRRRRR! I also have to go to the grocery store! My afternoon is going to be insane! On top of all that my mom will be with me and I have to deal with my husband possibly having fits over anything I spend when I get home...blah on a barfbag!
I plan to ask my doctors to either change or increase this anti-depressant I am on, it feels like it is not doing jack! I feel like a super speed spinning top, and when the top stops is when my emotions crash and I spazz out. Then I get level and the top starts spinning again. I feel so incredibly lonely, I feel like I have noone here to talk to, to reach out to. Everyone I know lives hundreds of miles away, and has their own lives and issues. I always feel like a drama queen imposing on them when my emotions hitting a breaking point. I pick up the phone at times to call friends I know, then I just put it down because I can't bring my self to bother them. Other times I do call, but noone answers. Those are times that I sit down and curl up and cry quietly. Isn't it funny how our emotions pick fricking the middle of the night to come crashing down? I am a strong person I know that, I have been told that I am, and I know that I must be to have gotten where I am today. This time in my life though, right now, is such a challenge; I feel like a gladiator in a tournament ring and this thing is beating me further and further down, and cutting me each time. Noone understands how hard this is, or understands how difficult it is. I am sick of being told "don't worry, you will be fine", "be strong"..you know what? I know these things. Don't fucking tell me to be strong. You haven't a sliver of an idea what strength it takes to get through each day with something like this. I do worry, about the side effects, about how that will affect my ability to be a mom. So do NOT tell me "don't worry" FUCK YOU ok? I know I will be fine, I know god will heal me, but don't fucking placate me. If you don't know what to say, then tell me that. Don't feed me that bullshit. My heart and my spirit don't need that crap. As much as doing this treatment kind of scares me, the surgery scares me more and I know that this course is better for me and better for my son. I just hope I don't puke my guts out everyday, if I do i will be sure to spew it all over here LOL!

Final Countdown

Well today is my final countdown to start my chemo treatment for this rare bone tumor I have which is called, and hang on to your asses here... Giant Cell Granuloma. What in the hell is that you ask? Well it's a benign cell growth of bone cells. Where the cells act abnormally and seem to think there is something to fix in a certain part of the body when there is not. So an abnormal growth of bone occurs. This usually can be taken care of with surgery, but not with me. No I have to be the crazy monkey that climbs in the machine and wrecks it. In my case this rare tumor is in an unusual place in the body, my maxillary sinus. This is the 3rd time this tumor has occured in my face, and the cells just keep spreading. I have been back and forth to MD Anderson Cancer Center so much, I feel like we should just pitch a tent out in front. I have seen so many doctors and answered the same questions over and over. The surgery they told me it would take to get it all out of my face this time would mean taking all the bones out of my face...both cheek bones, obital bones, and upper pallet. Followed by massive reconstruction. This surgery would take 12-18 hours! My mind screams not no but HELLLL NOOOOO!!! I will NEVER consent to that EVER! So we are going the chemo route, a drug called peginterferon alfa 2a which the dipshit oncologist tried his best to downplay. I have read pleanty to know I have a possible rough road ahead. It was quite comical, the my office visit with him last week, he was all rushed and ready to leave the room and I said to him " I am not done with you yet" and he just looked at me says OK and puts his hands in his pocket..so I tell him "sit down" and then launch into 20 minutes of questions. I still don't like him. He is a butthead. He talked around me and looked at my husband when he answered questions. I feel like I am just falling further and further away though, and spinning into insanity. I fight and yell at my husband when I really should not have such a reaction, I spazz out with my son sometimes and he is just a baby still. As much as I hate to admit this, I need happy pills. Until Tomorrow...