Well yesterday I felt like a crazy person for half the day, I half lost it and ended up in a puddle. I gotta say Xanax is the bomb baby. So today I got Dark Knight, which is just an awesome movie, I love the Joker. I can't wait to watch it again! My list of things to do today is quite big, and exhausing. The most exciting though is taking my son Evan to see Santa! I am hoping like crazy that he stays calm and happy and does not scream like a banshee when I pass him off. I so want a good picture. Then I have to go to Beauty Brands and get my good hair stuff, and use my coupons. I have to return my brother-in-law's gift, because he is gigantor and I did not get gigantor size. GRRRRR! I also have to go to the grocery store! My afternoon is going to be insane! On top of all that my mom will be with me and I have to deal with my husband possibly having fits over anything I spend when I get home...blah on a barfbag!
I plan to ask my doctors to either change or increase this anti-depressant I am on, it feels like it is not doing jack! I feel like a super speed spinning top, and when the top stops is when my emotions crash and I spazz out. Then I get level and the top starts spinning again. I feel so incredibly lonely, I feel like I have noone here to talk to, to reach out to. Everyone I know lives hundreds of miles away, and has their own lives and issues. I always feel like a drama queen imposing on them when my emotions hitting a breaking point. I pick up the phone at times to call friends I know, then I just put it down because I can't bring my self to bother them. Other times I do call, but noone answers. Those are times that I sit down and curl up and cry quietly. Isn't it funny how our emotions pick fricking the middle of the night to come crashing down? I am a strong person I know that, I have been told that I am, and I know that I must be to have gotten where I am today. This time in my life though, right now, is such a challenge; I feel like a gladiator in a tournament ring and this thing is beating me further and further down, and cutting me each time. Noone understands how hard this is, or understands how difficult it is. I am sick of being told "don't worry, you will be fine", "be strong"..you know what? I know these things. Don't fucking tell me to be strong. You haven't a sliver of an idea what strength it takes to get through each day with something like this. I do worry, about the side effects, about how that will affect my ability to be a mom. So do NOT tell me "don't worry" FUCK YOU ok? I know I will be fine, I know god will heal me, but don't fucking placate me. If you don't know what to say, then tell me that. Don't feed me that bullshit. My heart and my spirit don't need that crap. As much as doing this treatment kind of scares me, the surgery scares me more and I know that this course is better for me and better for my son. I just hope I don't puke my guts out everyday, if I do i will be sure to spew it all over here LOL!
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