Unraveling

I don't even know where to begin. I know I feel like the world is pressing down on me, I feel so lost, so disconnected from myself. I miss who I used to be. Where did the vivacious, sassy, fun Bekah go? I don't know where she is. My heart is torn into pieces. Aaron and I are at a stalemate, we love each other but being together just doesn't feel right at this time. I have so much pain, so much sorrow, guilt, and shame. I am terrified of facing my issues. I have never fully healed from being held captive, raped and strangled to the point of blacking out. How do I face all of that without it swallowing me whole? Oh yes I forgot, I need to work thru what Darby did to me as well as losing half my family because of what he did. I have so much rage and hate. I HATE you Darby! You sick twisted fucking pervert. Karma will get your sick ass. I HATE you Louis. You fucking manipulative psycho! I lied when I said I forgave you. I don't. You do not deserve it. You deserve to be castrated, tied to a pole in the hot blazing sun and let the insects and animals tear you apart. Oh and Doug Manning.....FUCK YOU with a rusty wire brush. I HATE you! You are such a heartless prick. I have still not recovered from you laying the blame on me for what Louis did to me. I will never forgive you. Ever. I hope your soul burns in hell. I hope all of you go burn in hell. Fuck you too "grandmother", you turned your back on me when I really needed you. You chose to believe a sick pervert over me. You deserved to have your heart stomped by your son. What you did was beyond wrong. Oh and FUCK YOU cancer! Fuck you tumor cells! Fuck you chemo injections! See how am i supposed to get past all of this? I don't know how I am going to do it. I don't feel strong enough to face all of it. The emotional pain is so overwhelming, I don't know if I would survive unleashing it. There is so much I need to face, so much I need to do to truly heal from all of that bullshit drama. I don't know where to start, who to go to, or if I can trust anyone. I don't trust anyone anymore, I am not the trusting fool I used to be. Not by a long shot. So how in blazes do I face this pain so I can actually heal, when it is so hard for me to trust others?

Rising From The Ashes

This year has been such a test of my strength and faith. I would never have kept my sanity if I did not have my mother and my church family and my son and God. My brother too, he was one of the few people I could talk to, one of the last people left on the planet I fully trust. I feel like the mythical Phoenix, burned down to ashes, only to rise up again in flames. Last year burned me down to nothing, burned me down to my soul. I just melted down, let it all beat me. Now I am rising up like the Phoenix, and will fly up high above it all. Now I just sound crazy right? Hell I am reading it and I sound loco for sure. All I am saying is, I am going to rise above it all and come away from it a better, sane, and dammit a healthy person. I will beat this cancer, I will beat all this psychological mumbo jumbo with an ugly stick if I have to. 2011 will be a much more balanced year for me and my family. Drama can stay in 2010! If it dares to rear its ugly head at my doorstep in 2011 I will sic Dog the Bounty Hunter on it! LOL! Just Kidding! Hell that's funny! For anyone who actually reads my rambling...since I just need to write whats in my head. I feel like I am a little crazy, about half the time. Most of the time I feel sane. What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we feel crazy? I just keep myself at home or I try to, if i end up interacting with others, I definitely come off as a little nutter. Jeez I must seem that way right now. Rambling on and on like this. I doubt I am making any sense at all to anyone but myself. Ugh I should just stop typing...

New Roller Coaster

Life has been such an insane roller coaster this last year. After the divorce was final, and the drama with the family subsided. I made the colassal mistake of getting involved with someone new. I met him at church, and thought he was alright. Even though he had a bit of a shady past, I thought, hey its OK he's found God, he is saved. He loves the lord like I do. Huge mistake..big fat HUGE mistake. He wanted WAY more than I did, right off. He wanted a girlfriend, I just wanted to date. I mean, dang...I just got divorced...why would I want to get into something serious? Did I follow my instincts? NOOO....I let my self get seduced...and allowed my self to get involved with someone that was possesive and unstable. I allowed this to go on for about 4 months. Then I finally said ENOUGH. I told him..ITS OVER. He snapped. Big shocker, right? We were in my van in front of his place. He attacked me, and drug me out of my van, then forced me into his place. Once we were in there...He told me I had to do everything he said, or he would kill me. Then he kept me there for an hour and a half. He had sex with me, made me make an INSANE phone call to my mom, (that's when I screamed for the cops), then he yanked the phone away, hit me HARD across the head, then the next thing I knew, he was on top of me, strangling me and said " Now you F-ING die" ..I could hear my self choking, gasping for air...I tried to pull his hands away..and he just squeezed more...and all I could think of was never seeing Evan again, and started to cry..then he just stopped. Then I could breathe again....He told me to call my mom back, tell her cops were not needed...I was trying, but did not react fast enough.. so he said my son was dead. Made this "phone call" told "someone" go kill her son....I was so terrified...I was just shaking I told him, Leave Evan out of this please-its between us, do what you want with me. Then he says "this stopped being between us when you involved the cops, now all bets are off"...Then he tells me to put my shoes back on..and is ready to get in my van and drive off somewhere....but within minutes the cops show up. Then he tells me "you make sure I don't get arrested, or Evan is Dead, you hear me?" I just nodded and said Yes....So once I started talking to the officer, all I would say was I wanted to go home. I did not file anything until 2 days later when I came back from Houston, from seeing my doctors at MD Anderson. Even then all I filed was an incident report. A few weeks later I filed charges. The guy left the state, but kept calling me, harassing me, I kept the voice-mails, let the cops tape them, then had to change my numbers, twice. Now I am unlisted. I just hang on to hope he stays out of state. He is obsessed with me, told me hell would freeze over before he forgot about me, that's really sick. My prayer group "leader" told me I HAVE to pray for him. Umm where does she get off telling people what to do? Leaders do NOT tell people what to do, they guide...she must have missed that day in class. Especially spiritual leaders. A good leader will ask questions, and guide you the right way, not tell you what to do! OK got that out of my system! So back to what I was saying, I am still dealing with that trauma, nightmares and flashbacks seem to have subsided a bit, but there is still a lot there I am going to have to process and deal with. Its going to take me FOREVER to trust anyone again, feel safe, allow ANY type of control.
So my year of chemo/interferon did come to an end in December. In January I was on nothing and stayed that way, my doctor wanted to see how I would do, see if the tumor would do any shrinking, and the verdict is.........................NOPE. It actually got BIGGER. So now here we are 7 months later, and I am on this kinda crazy clinical trial. Its a drug for ostioporisis, but being tried out for my type of tumor...so I am getting double the dose, and at like crazy 3 week spans. This drug is meant to be taken at 60 mg once every 6 months. I am taking 120 mg like every 3 wks, So we will see just how I do, and how much it helps.
On top of all of this, I am battling major depression with terrible mood swings, I get so nasty sometimes, I don't like when I get that way, but then I don't realize I am being like that until AFTER I have been a major bitch. So I just have to find a way to be a better person.
My son is so wonderful though, the amazing shining light in my life...makes me smile always!!! I love him to pieces

Wiggin Out

Today I woke up praying to god. Praying that when we went to my grandmothers house (now a den of evil) which is filled with major uncomfortable feelings. I prayed that we would remain unaffected by it. So far so good right? We go over and are unaffected. We go out and about (we being me and my mom) in town. When we get back, there is a pile of things in front of our storage unit.My heart stops, then sinks. They know where we live. They know the apartment number. They know where we live, safety net is gone. SAFTEY NET IS GONE!!HOW DID THEY FIND OUT?! WHO TOLD THEM?! HOW DID THEY FIGURE IT OUT?! OH MY GOD!!HE KNOWS WHERE I LIVE NOW AND SHE DOES TOO!! I AM NOT SAFE ANYMORE!!!!! SOMEONE! ANYONE! OK OK OK OK CALM DOWN CALM DOWN deeep breath in deeeeep breath out.........they can't get in as long as the door is locked and don't answer the phone if they call. Its OK Jesus is my savior and God is my King and father, and I shall be protected! Nothing, nor anyone can touch me! Yeah! So why do I still feel so anxious? My heart is still going a little fast, my hands are still shaking a bit. Maybe its the adrenaline, I hope so, because I sure don't want that sick feeling you get when fear takes over, all paralyzing and junk. Now that I have seen my anxiety and fear in writing it feels silly almost.Like overreacting, but I am glad I got it out like I did, nothing like wiggin out in writing......hope I stay sane until next entry

Don't Say "I Love You"

How do you not say "I love you" to someone? Especially when you know they don't love you back the same way? This is my dilemma, I still feel "love" for the man I am getting divorced from, I talk to him on the phone about our son and I nearly say "I love you" every time. I suppose I should think of HOW I love him right? Great father, fairly lousy husband. I am not sure what I love, maybe I love what should have been, the man he should have been. I think I love the great father he is now showing himself to be.I don't think I love the man who was so mentally and emotionally abusive that I threw a phone at him to make him just shut up and leave me alone. So with all that history, How do you identify the love you have in the first place? Is it even real? Should you deny it altogether? Should you ever utter it out loud? What do you do? Here's what you do, you DON'T say I Love You.....

9 Months of Chemo and Drama

Well here I am 9 months into my chemo and it has stopped the tumor from growing any larger, howerver it has not shrunk it yet. The doctors say it could take time to see results with this therapy. I could be put up for a clinical trial. We shall see. My hair never fell out, I have lost weight though and have struggled to gain it back and maintain it. I had to be put on pain medication due to the chemo causing wretched pain from my head to my toes. So now I am on daily doses of methadone and lyrica to keep it under control. Oh and I am on prozac for stupid depression (you'll know why later down the line). I truly hate being on all this medicine, I am tired of the routine of getting the shot every week, I now have what seems to be permanent dark brown dry patches of skin where the injections have gone in. In the begining the peginterferon made me sick and made my body hurt BAD. Now I can at least eat a little and the pain is not so unbearable. The only person who has stuck by me, the one person who has been with me every step of the way, the one person wh has been with me at every injection (nearly) has been my mother. It seemed to be too much for my husband. He could not handle it, he could not understand why it made me sick in the first place, according to his sources, I should have been up and about and able to run the household.
This of course lead to turmoil in our marriage, all we did was fight, and his treatment of me just got worse, and so did mine of him. It just turned into one big vicious circle. All of it exploded on February 4, when we got into a huge fight over me spending nearly the whole week with my family in another city. (he had told me to go stay with them during my chemo anyway-but had said this in anger) I tried to explain I was not leaving him, just trying to make things easier on everyone while going through my chemo since my mom always came to our house to take care of me. Anyway he freaked out and the fight spun out of control, and before long we were screaming at each other and he's pushing all my buttons, and BAM I throw a phone right at him and it hit him square in the chest. So he called the cops and then his parents ( they lived less than 5 mins away) His parents come over and proceed to take my child from my arms and my MIL corner me in my bed room and tell me I have made the worst mistake of my life and that they have lawyers so I needed to watch out. Then she really flipped out when I told her her son needed to cut the cord and get away from her. She really let me know I was worthless and good for nothing BITCH, she also diminished my chemo as if it were nothing. When the cops came, I was let off and we were told this kind of call was a waste of their time. I was also told I was lucky not to have been arrested because I caused injury. I left him the next day and took my son with me. That was it we were separated, I was devastated. Then 2 weeks later after custody exchange, he hit me with divorce papers. So I quickly had to get an attorney so I had representation. So the divorce is still dragging on, it now will go through in February of next year, fitting eh?
So my birthday was in September. On my birthday I had my son and I took him to my aunt's to go swimming, my cousin was there. We all went down to the pool and had a basically fun time, my son even laughed a few times. Then we go back to the apartment and thats when my birthday turned into a nightmare. My FIRST cousin started to get "fresh" with me....he stopped at first when I told him to, then he came at me again and did not stop this time at least not until his father came home. I ended up sexually assulted on my birthday by a family member. When I told my grandmother she told me to keep my mouth shut. I told my cousin if he came near me again I would call the cops. For days I was in torment, finally I told my brother who was visiting me, and he begged me to tell my mom, so finally I did. Then EVERYONE knew. It has basically torn the family apart, I had to move out of my grandmothers house because she refused to ban him from the house and I did not feel safe, she defended my aunt who basically made it my fault and attacked my mother (physically). Now we are living in our own place away from all of that. Now they act as if none of it ever happened. Of course who knows how they will react once they all know I turned him in to the police.
Now the only thing seeming to get me through all of this is my son, and god. yes I said it god. I am actually torn between 2 churches right now just trying to find my place. Taking classes at both, volunteering at both.....Wonder when I will pick one?

First Round, First Week

Well I certainly did not mean for my entries to fall behind like this, eh I blame motherhood and having a needle jammed into my body. Before I dive in to my rant about my insanely long and exhausting day filled with twerps, goobersnatches, and red tape bureaucracy, and even worse-smiling bobbleheaded idiots that topped my day with cherries! Ooops, guess I kinda gave a preview there. Well the day BEFORE all of this I did manage to take my son to see Santa, which thankfully went off without any alarms or security needing to be called. Although if one of the women in Santa's workshop had, come near me one more time and bugged me. I would have been on her like the crazy half-coon ass I am. I had my own VERY awesome professional digital SLR camera with me because they have a statement on the poster at Santa's Workshop that says "we respectfully request that any photos you wish to take yourself you limit to 2 only" And when she came at me and was up in MY face and asking what the sam hell I wanted to order when I CLEARLY had a camera of my own made me want to throttle her day old bread smelly ass. However all that aside I did end up getting the tiniest package they offer, because lets face it; like EVERY other parent on the earth- I think my kid is the cutest one with Santa. Yeah OK get your head out of the clouds Bekah! Sheesh, you would think I gave birth to Adonis himself, although the ones who go on and on about how they will have God looking like kid, make me want to body slam them WWE style, then spin them around til they puke, then tie them up and put them on one of those amusement park rides that turn your insides out and make your asshole clang shut for a week! OOOOHHHH! (moving on)

Soo on to my loovely day at MD Anderson on Wednesday which coincidentally was one of the coldest day's we have had in a long time down here in Houston, TX and a night we actually got snow. OK so, I had to be at MDA at 8 freaking 15 am that day, so I had to leave my house by around 7 a.m. which I did. I got my gas and got on the freeway, and I NEVER got over 30 mph the entire drive over, and its about a 20-30 min drive going normal speeds. I did not get there until 8:30. I went to my first part which was having my arm poked, then I went on to my next section, where I gave the lovely ladies of that department a container of candy my dad got me which was far too sweet and icky for me. So dum dum dum dum, I finally get taken back to a room where I am alll ready for my shot and ready to get on with my day. This is where my day hits a brick wall at 85 mph and turns to absolute crap on a cracker. The nurse comes and talks to me, she is a really nice lady, and I like her, all about up and until right now when she tells me..." things with your insurance company are still going through, and we don't know when we will get approval" My heart just stopped, my mind screamed, my soul cried. What in the hell? No treatment? I have GREAT insurance! So I ask her, "So I am NOT starting my treatment today?" She says "I don't know, we are still appealing the insurance company, and with your rare type of cancer, and the typ of treatment we have decided to use they always want to say no." I just started to break down, I could not take this! I was already here! Give me my shot! I was all set mind and spirit! Just fix this damm problem! Then something was mentioned about another appointment I knew nothing about with the counseling center or something like that. She left the room after telling me she would get on the phone with the insurance company and see what they could do to get approval, even if it meant I had to go to MDA every week to get my shots. I called my sweet hubby Larry, and told him. He could tell I was barely keeping it together so he told me no matter what I was going to get my treatment even if we had to pay for it and fight the insurance company later. I felt somewhat relieved after I hung up and then just sat in my little room and got angry about how insurance companies rule the U.S. especially healthcare. It makes me sick that corporate america-or corporate whatever coutry has their greedy sick claws in the throats of EVERY american. NO matter what is wrong with you, NO matter how fucking sick you are. It all has to go through paperwork and channels and through some pencil pushing peckerwood behind a desk that has never set foot inside a healthcare facility for any type of medical training. Its all about the ones and zeroes for them. Screw the little people, screw if it will save a life, screw if it will break open a new medical discovery. Will it save the multibillion dollar company money or cost it? THAT is ALL that matters to these companies we hand our lives over to when we have medical insurance, but with out it you are just as fucked. So its either be fucked by the smelly truck driver and pay everything by cash on your own, or get tied down and prepared to be fucked by the most perverted sex deivant possible and smile and say thank you master when he is done. Other wise we are just ungrateful right? OOHHHH! Moving on...So then I spent the next 3 hrs in the "tell me what is wrong with you so I can help you" ward. I did get better pain meds and happy pills out of it. Then this is where the twist comes again, while I was in limbo with the "crazy" docs I got a call from miss nursey-nurse and found out that she did the yes master dance with the insurance company and got the approval for my treatment. I would have to go and get my shot meds from the pharmacy on one of the floors and go back to her for the injection. Then I got told no go down to this floor, so I go down to that floor, and they were so dur deee duuurr dddeeeee duuuuurrrr ummm duyrrr... then they found my info and told me I had to wait 25 mins and come back and knock on some hidden window, which after passing it 3 times and telling the peppy bobble headed staff "ohh ya'll are REAL helpful" I finally spotted the porthole to hell. I got fed up with the crap and went and fed myself. I go BACK and its ready, I knock on the window and, ready for this? They send me back over to the other side of the pharmacy!!!!!! OOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I wanted to rip every single row of tinsel, tie them all up at the center of the pharmacy, put a feather in my hair and dance around them like an indian doing the "come and get them witchdoctor" chant! I finally got my medicine, go upstairs and got my shot. I got to drive home, and made it home just like an hour before the weather turned really bad, icy rain, then snow. The first few days of my chemo have not been easy. Lots of up and down symptoms, nausea, fevers, some flutype symptoms too, but nothing I can't handle, mostly I feel rundown, and really exhausted. Today we went in search of an angel to put on the tree, we have ONE more store to hit up, I don't know if we are still going, I think I hear my hubby starting a movie. I think its the new Batman. Ok I think I have ranted and raved long enough, some might even say "OMG like I don't have the time or patience or attention span for something like that.." Well I say to that...OMG what it must be like to have the brain of a dying flash light battery.